A Cup of Crunchy Ice

The red flashing lights are pretty calming. 

They help me catch my breath when I can’t seem to breath. 

They are the lies I told myself to get better. 

They remind me of what I’ve become.

They give me strength to help. 

They show me God’s love. 

They say I’m still here. 

They are mistakes. 

Regardless how much people try, I’ll never have a father daughter relationship and that freaking sucks.

I wore my hat all day today! I forgot how much I loved this thing!

I am not:

my mistakes

what others think of me

other people’s mistake.

I am Christ’s alone!

I’ve written it so many times it doesn’t have a meaning anymore. I wish it did right now the most though. 

1. I’m a cutter
2. I have no confidence in myself 
3. I don’t think I will ever say it out loud or forgive. 
4. I lose a lot of people because of the above.
5. I’m working on it. 

everything we used to do. 

Days like today make me wonder why I haven’t given up yet. 

Sometimes I look at my arms and wonder why I ever stopped in the first place. 

I miss a lot of things that I know I won’t get back. 

I’m so ready for school to be over!!

Sorry its a book!

I was recently told that I need to tell my whole testimony because I shouldn’t be ashamed of it and that it might help a lot of people because of what I’ve been through. I’ve always felt that my testimony wasn’t good enough or that people would look at me differently afterwards. That they would check for the scars that they would find and see me as worthless and weak. So for a while now every time I tell just the most generic stuff about my life and never said anything real. Well for the last couple days I’ve felt the need to say my testimony. So here it goes!

I grew up in a single mother home where she worked two jobs to support my two sisters and me along with my sick grandma who was lived with us until I was in third grade. There were many times where we would go without some essentials because my mom just couldn’t pay for them.  I remember my mom buying a big storage tub for us to take baths in. Each time we needed to bathe she would boil like three or four pots of water and that’s how we showered for a good two years. There was another time that we didn’t have heat in the house and we just had to have electric heaters for like two winters in a row. Don’t get me wrong she tried but she just couldn’t take care of everything. Not all of us had beds so my older sister slept in my grandma’s bed, middle sister slept in my mom’s bed, and I slept on the floor in the hallway until I was in third grade when we lost our house and my grandma had to go into assisted living. I remember that we had three days to leave before my mom was arrested. That was a very scary time for me.

Anyways for a couple of years we moved every once in a while but things were ok. We struggled at times but we made it through. My sister got arrested a lot but it happened. It was around fourth grade that I started going to church by myself. I don’t know why but I think it was to get out of the house and all the issues my mom had with my oldest sister. My basketball coach had invited me and since then I have been going to church, not faithfully but I went.  Around fifth grade I think, I went to a church camp where I was scared into being saved. I didn’t think that I truly was, so every night I would pray the prayer and hope that God would forgive me.

So from around fifth grade up till eighth grade things were ok. I struggled with my body image because I have always been bigger then everyone but that usually happens to middle school girls. I didn’t talk much and kept to myself. I had no true friends. I drowned myself in books so I could hide from the crappy home life and school setting. People would make fun of me because of my shyness which would just make it worse (I don’t understand children sometimes.) I found basketball at that time and figured out that I was ok at it. Anyways basketball was one of the only things that I found peace in.

So eighth grade came and I was big and clumsy. I was hoping high school would be better. That’s what was getting me through that year. Anyways we were living on Liberty St the time and my oldest sister wasn’t living with us anymore and my other sister was off spending the night with her boyfriend. I was home alone and my mom called to say that Al, her married boyfriend was coming to spend the night and I needed to let him in. I was fine with that because Al was like my dad and I never thought he would do anything to me. I was sleeping on the couch because I didn’t have an actually room at the time. I was watching when he came to the door. I could see that he was drunk but didn’t think anything about it. Eventually though he got very touchy and stuff. I still can’t say the word and don’t know if I’ll ever be able to but yeah he hurt me badly. I can still feel his lips sometimes. I break down and cry at those moments. They just spring up on me and I have no clue why. For some stupid reason I froze up and didn’t do anything about it. I still think it’s my fault but whatever. Anyways after he stopped I got up and hid in the bathroom for a while. When I figured he was asleep I hid in a back room and must of fallen asleep because when I woke up my  mom was asking me if I was alright . I lied and said I was fine. She said good and to not do it again. I couldn’t believe she had said that to me. It’s not like I asked for it to happen. Anyways after that happened things went downhill. My mom didn’t seem to notice and for the next year I had to see that man every day. I still haven’t forgiven either of them but I’m working on it.

For the next four years I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I started cutting myself because it was a way for me to stop thinking about everything going on around me. It wasn’t for attention; it was to cope with my life. There were multiple times when I cut too deep and freaked myself out. Once in basketball I cut my leg right before a game and it was pretty deep. We were wearing white jerseys that game and my leg wouldn’t stop bleeding. I bled through my shorts and I had to go back to the locker room to change in the middle of the game. Anyways I never really hid what I was doing to myself. My mom continued to say it was a phase and so I just honestly didn’t care what people thought; I was just done with everything. All my teachers knew and didn’t say a thing about it. 

My sophomore year in high school I went to Chrysalis as a last ditch attempt before I took my life. It was a great experience for me and I finally felt at peace for the first time in two years. I came back home on that Christian high that everyone gets and for a short amount of time I thought everything was going to be ok. But eventually I got back in the habit of cutting and feeling just disgusted with myself. After that there were many times that I tried to kill myself and when I would wake up the next morning, I just couldn’t understand why death wouldn’t come to me. That’s all I truly wanted in life anymore at the time. I now see that God protected me from myself and got me through it but at the time I couldn’t see why. Because of this I would cut myself deeper and more often; I was just so frustrated that it wouldn’t work.

I hid most of this very well because at the same time I was going to youth group and bible studies and all sorts of stuff. In my opinion if these people that were supposed to care about me the most, couldn’t tell then they just didn’t want to know. I had some really awesome friends in that group and an awesome bible study leader who I told some stuff but I was still too ashamed to ever tell them everything. My friends and leaders would take me home after stuff and through late night talks I began to share some of my pain. Through these talks I truly began to feel like God loved me because he had given me these people who truly care about my life. My senior year was the last year that I cut or tried to commit suicide.

I made four attempts to kill myself through drugs and cutting and none of them ever worked. I am now very thankful for that.

My senior year I met my best friend and now college roommate. She has led me through some stuff and given me some great advice. She gave me a great family. And I had finally found my best friend.  Through her and many other great people including church friends and leaders, coaches, adopted dads, and many other people I have now found my way back to the Lord. I struggle a lot some days but I know I can lean on my Father. He gets me through a lot these days and I now know that he was always there and protected me from a lot of stuff. I still struggle with the urge to not cut myself. Whenever I have a razor blade in my hand I get a high that I have to fight off. But its slowly going away. I still feel like dirt when I think about Al and what happen. I still can’t say it and get scared and have nightmares but eventually through God’s love I’ll figure it out. I fight the urge every day to not do something stupid because I feel unworthy but God’s love is greater.

My freshman year of college was hard for me. I moved away from my friends and quit a sport that had become my life. I bad some poor decisions and became consumed by sins. Through prayer and the help of God and friends though, I’ve come out stronger. And now I’m trying my hardest to live everyday for him. I stumble a lot but I’m getting there. He’ll get me through anything.

I now live by this verse.

Romans 8:31 “And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?”

I was stuck on the floor for a good hour tonight because my back locked up. I think its time we clean the ceiling. There are a lot of spiderwebs up there.

On the plus side I cleaned out what was underneath the couch.

I’m always going to wonder what it would have been like to play basketball. I regret it a lot now. I was lazy and stupid. 

I think I’ll regret my decision for the rest of my life. It gave me peace of mind when I had it. I belonged there. 

I just feel like I failed at a lot. 

I want them back sometimes regardless of how I got them. I don’t know why but they made me feel better then I have been. When I had them I actually felt like someone, not just someone to walk past. 

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with cries of deliverance. Psalms 32:7

I just want to be comfortable again!!

I want high school back. As much as I hated it then, I want it back some times. 

I hate this place!

Just because I don’t want to be surrounded by my family doesn’t mean I’m not grieving over her death. Hearing people constantly fighting isn’t really my ideal way of dealing with it. 

Bye Grandma…

When I sit in class, there are usually all these ideas running through my head. I’m gonna make this happen if it’s the last thing I do. 

So of course I would need to stop being lazy and get in shape for this but I want to do this thing called Tough Mudder. It sounds like the coolest thing ever. It’s 12 miles of different obstacles and just sounds legit. You get muddy, shocked by electricity, climb ropes, and swim through swamps. How much better can a day get? I need a teammate though so who wants to volunteer.

Best adventure ever!!!

I hate work more than ever right now. Eric yelled at me yesterday.

Blah, please don’t make me go back! 

1. I saw Crystal cry today. It was weird and I didn’t know how to handle it. 

2. Jessica came back which is a major bummer(that sounds mean.) She came back and her perfume filled the room. I really like the smell of the office and she ruins it :)

3. I got through five pages of the phone calls today. Some lady yelled at me already. I thought these were supposed to be happy calls. I’m sure there will be calls that you can make when you get back. 

4. Lydia and Randy got mad today. The new companies are calling with work orders and they aren’t in QuickBase yet so they don’t know what to do. They weren’t very happy with me and the whole process. 

5. I had to take two different ladies around the building today. One needed a phone book and the other actually had a job interview with us so it was easy to get her there. 

6. I called a company and asked for the contact name the was one the sheet. The lady that answered the phone said ” My husband has been deceased for four years, maybe I can help?” Well don’t I feel great!

7. Eric isn’t mad which makes me feel a lot better about going into work tomorrow. 

8. I showed pictures of Martin to Crystal. 

My mom asked for $200 dollars today and I said no. Is that wrong? 

I’m dreading work this week. Only six hundred phone calls to go.

The one sucky part about having the apartment to yourself is not having someone here to talk to(even if it was Kelsey) when you feel like crap. Other then that though it’s nice making noise and being able to actually sit in the living room. 

This last week I haven’t been able to sleep very well because I either keep waking up every other hour or I keep having the same bad dream. Because of this it hasn’t been nice getting up in the morning.

On a different note a guy asked me to hang out with him once he gets back from boot camp. 

There is a concert at Traders Point Sept. 29 with Josh Wilson, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Andrew Peterson(who i don’t know.) It sounds like a pretty sweet concert.